Happy Year of the Dog!! Woof!

         What is the point of life, this world, this whole mess of love and hurt and hope if not to provide a bright, gleaming medium for the joy of self betterment? Hence, New Year’s resolutions. I hate the materialistic, predicate obsessed Western New Year, so I choose to make my resolutions on the real New Year, that of our Chinese brothers and sisters. Here’s my list for this, the Year of the Dog:

Chinese New Year’s Resolutions

1. Learn how to make a decent potato salad.
2. Be nicer to people.*
3. Bathe.








* except for really mean people, hit-and-run-drivers, those ice-queens that work at the GAP on Sundays, Tatum O’Neil, anyone with a bleached anus, anyone with bleached anything, Sean Hannity (if he doesn’t already fall into the six previous categories), Jehovah’s Witnesses, anyone that even looks like Sean Hannity, Hitler, whoever Loretta Lynn doesn’t have to be nicer to, The Strokes, anyone in PETA, 7 out of 13 of the Texas UPN affiliates, the cast of Charmed, Skip Reid, the ‘good’ people of Massachussettes, whoever broke the Golden Tee machine in Fletchers’s Bar on 11th Avenue, hate crime committers, anyone who has ever or will ever be on the E! Channel, that jerk that works security at the anonymous hobo cemetery and thinks that that makes him, like, really important or something, Sean Hannity, all of George Forman’s children, any and all Comptrollers, gorillas that know sign language, deaf people that act like gorillas, Jane Goodall, my one coworker that doesn’t like Tom Waits, young Elvis, my mentally retarded mailwoman, people who throw around the term ‘post-structuralist’ when I’m trying to talk about beer, my AA sponsor, cats, meter readers, rock lobsters, and people who say ‘guesstimate’.